Stop beating too fast,it might explode

4.14am and I'm wide awake.Pretty much,I won't be sleeping because I'll end up over-sleeping and miss another day at school.If not for that confirmation slip,I'll be sleeping till broad daylight.
So PTC is today and I'm not sure whether any of my parents are going.They can't be bothered about teachers bitching about their daughter I guess.If only they know what I really did...
God,I always try to tell my mum but everytime I see her being drained from a long day at work and filled with her own thought,I don't have the courage and heart to tell her the real story.
I'm scared..I really am.The person I rely most is now gone...partly my fault too for discriminating her.
I just wish I could tell someone how terrified I am but in this kind of situation...I can't tell anyone.
Part of me is scared and another part,is terrified of being judge.
Everyone is so judging these days.I guess I am too.
Who I am to judge people when I'm in a state where people will judge me too?
Do I make any sense?
Early morning make me talk nonsensical.
Now its 4.25.One and a half hour more before I get ready for school.

I'm sure every other kids are sleeping with smiles on their faces since its the last day of the term.But for me and others,its just another school day with a lot of other subject coaching to NOT look forward to.
Just 5 more months.Approximately 150 days and 3600 hours.
Thats a little of time and I need to make this June a worthwhile month.
I need help in every subject and my parents have to many bills to handle.
Which means,I need someone to teach me any subjects they're good at for pro-bono .
I need my cigarettes to keep me awake.
I better do something useful like watching GG all over again in case I doze off.


Sometimes,I just wish I never did what I did.
I'm sorry for who i am