if this is home,why do i feel alone?

I'm back at Tampines.I really wish I did not went back today.I'm fucked up,tired,hungry,sad,angry,hate myself,hate my mum,hate my cats,hate my room,hate school,hate everything now.

I am sorry Dad for I am such a letdown.I shouldn't have did what I did last time.I really regretted it and hated myself so much.I wish I could tell you everything but would you even listen to me?Not even once.I'm sorry for saying all that and doing all the wrong things.I am trying now but its not enough isn't it?

I thought being at home would make me feel more secure but I feel...I don't know.Like you are at somewhere you're comfortable at but at the same time,you wish you weren't here.Other families fucked up too but I feel sorry for my parents for having children like us.Why can't we be happy like those movies?Like families who eat together,talk together,do everything together.I want that but I guess my parents think I'm too 'old' to enjoy all that.I don't know how I do it but I manage to look OKAY outside but looking forlorn at home.This always happens.

I can't stop pulling my hair....I try to cry but I can't..I need a cigarette but I have none...I want time to fly fast,for now